Retrospection

"Behold! For those who have learned to see--He gives, He gifts! He gifts with seeds as small as moments, grace upon grace, and the unlikely here and now, it shall sustain you, feed you. Do not disdain the small. The promise of feast is within the moments. Our enough is always in the now, because He never leaves us"--Ann Voskamp 

How do I even attempt to sum up this year? It is the little things all rolled into one that have made up 2013. Much like how hours add up to days, days to weeks, weeks to months. It is trying to verbalize the mental pictures, the memories, of three hundred and sixty-five days into something coherent. And more often than not, I find it is nearly impossible.

Did 2013 unfold how I thought it would? No.....but then does our year ever go how we envision it? Our plans, that in our minds are beautifully composed on a crisp architectural blueprint, always crumble when God has other ideas. It is then we discover that He has a different design and it is bound to leave us changed. Truth be told, there are some areas where I don't completely recognize the young woman who started 2013. But what has God made me to be? I'm still a person flawed and broken....so did I really grow at all?

There are days where all I can see is the pain I have felt, the tears I have shed. It was in those days where all I could do was fall on my knees. Trust me, occasionally I was hard pressed to even put a prayer together. I felt like I was taking two steps backwards for every step I took forward.

I can tell you honestly that I have felt pain this year. I learned what it means to say goodbye to something you hold dear to you. I learned that sometimes hopes and dreams become too much to bear.....and you are tempted to put them away forever. Your heart feeling torn in two is not the great feeling. I discovered that having meltdowns do NOT look like they do on TV; they are messy and annoying and make you look like a raccoon (thanks mascara ;)) I discovered that spiritual warfare is alive and "well" and that it takes a lot of effort to wage the battle. And sometimes, it isn't ours to fight. The Lord seemed to want to teach me the art of surrender to him. I don't think I have it mastered yet; I probably never will. And that is okay.

But 2013 was a year of great happiness as well. I learned that rejoicing with other people really is all it's cracked up to be. Reconciliation really can cause relationships to be even more beautiful than they were before their brokenness. I traveled and saw what an amazing, diverse country God created. I spent precious time with long distance family, time I might not quite again for a while. I met new people and discovered community. I have continued to progress with my college studies and I'm still managing to pay for them. I saw the Lord provide above and beyond for my family during our time of need--ways that we never could have foreseen. My relationships with my family grew even closer. I discovered new talents at work that I never, EVER thought I would possess. And I discovered that I have some amazing girlfriends who love me, who God uses to refine, and who are lionesses. The blessings leave me humbled and amazed. I don't deserve this. Any of it....and that is okay too.

I discovered being a bridesmaid is a blast, but lots of work (and you have to remember to bend your knees.) I created many masterpieces, and several disasters, in my kitchen and realized anew that it is one of my greatest passions. I mastered hiking Table Rock. I took in a Boise State game. I discovered Moscato is my favorite wine of choice and that cheesecake is still the best dessert on the planet. I still hate spiders and I'm thankful I didn't step on that jelly fish while in Florida.

Life is messy and complicated. Why do I seem to forget that year in and year out? Why do I struggle with "Thou Shall Not Covet" each and every time I hear news of an engagement? Why do I doubt that my God will take all of these little seeds, these little memories, and turn them into the bigger picture--the field that one day will reap a harvest? My Father did not turn me down in 2010, 2011, 2012....and 2013 has proven no different. I can say that every experience I have had as left me changed for the better. I have had to grow; I have had to be refined.

So it has been a good year. With all of its pain and pleasures, its doubts and its victories. I say it has been one of the best, and the hardest, of my life. But the fact remains:

It has been a good year.
And who knows what 2014 will bring.

Family Trees

My mom loves genealogy. Researching my ancestors, finding how certain people connect in the familial lines, becoming reacquainted with family with whom we have lost touch...it's my mom's passion. Just get her talking about it.

*She'll tell you about the coal mining descendants we have (chalk that up to our Pennsylvania heritage)
*She will talk about the relative who seems to just disappear from records

And should a death certificate she requested come in the mail, Mom will get all excited. No joke =)

Family trees are a part of me, a part of all of us. We become a part of one when we are born. Then, when we marry, we become a part of another yet we make our own new one at the same time. There is that saying "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family." Well, it is accurate. Our genealogy can be filled with all sorts of people (like apparently on my dad's side we have a member of the Mob.....but that's a story for another time.). It's these people with whom we share DNA. (That is why I am so petite; it runs in the family =P)

But today, it is Jesus's family tree that stood out to me.
It does every time I read Matthew chapter 1. It's easy to believe and assume that Jesus's family tree has saints and perfect people in it. After all, He is the Savior of the world; He deserves perfection. Yet I read it. I don't see perfection.
*Tamar--who slept with her father-in-law
*Rahab--a prostitute
*Ruth--a Moabite
*Bathsheba--slept with King David while her husband was away at war
*Mary--a teenager whom God called to be an unwed mother, the mother of Jesus

These women are not perfect
In fact, they are messed up. Their lives are not perfect; their scenarios are not ideal. But God still used them anyway. He called them anyway. If one of them was not a part of his heritage, the family tree would be altered. And I believe the impact of an important lesson would be lost.

God takes broken people and uses them mightily for His glory. He can make beauty from ashes. He can change even the most broken of individuals. The Lord does not care so much about where we have been....but rather, where we want to be.

The same is true of me
I am a sinful human being. I might not be a prostitute or commit other such sins. But I make my own mistakes. Mistakes that are just as deadly and wrong. I doubt His power , His ability to make things come to pass. I struggle with jealousy. I don't always use my words in a way that builds people up. I fail every day.

I'm not worthy to have been chosen by the Lord as His daughter. I do not deserve the blessings He bestows time and again upon His children. I deserve ruin....yet instead, Christ has redeemed me. He has given me a lineage to be proud of. I am HIS.

My family tree is not one of perfection either. My grandparents and great grandparents have all made their own share of mistakes. But that is okay. It makes me who I am.

It is a part of my story

It is with a thankful heart that I head into Advent season. I serve a God who has some "black sheep in the family"--who ordained that His SON come to the humblest of people. But that is the beauty of the story. All can be used.....

Thanks be to God for His redeeming grace. Who does not leave us where we are. Soli Deo Gloria!