Just Enough Strength To Live For Today

It was one of those days. Days in which nothing had gone the way I had wanted it to:

*I wasn't able to begin my day in the Word
*I had had a long, exasperating day at work--with more things going wrong than right
*My favorite football player had been cut from his team
*Misunderstandings and false assumptions with dear friends
*My football team played pathetically--and lost--their opening game of the season

By the end of the night, I was worn out and fried. I just wanted to go back in time, hit the rewind button (even going back 48 hours), and have a do over. I would love nothing more than to fix the things I could...or warn others about outcomes so they could fix them.

Sadly, I couldn't. I was reminded anew of how finite, how human, I am. I was reminded that I do not have things all together. Things still get under my skin and rub me the wrong way. Clearly I still have control freak perfectionist tendencies in me.


As is customary, the Lord got my attention. He reminded me of my favorite verse, 2 Corinthian 12:9. His grace was going to get me through days such as these. Even the little stupid things like my football team losing.....God doesn't want me dwelling on it. He wants me picking up the pieces of where I have messed up--He wants me moving on from the other things--and just letting go. It is in my weaknesses, in my human frailties, that I am reminded of just how awesome and great and mighty He is.

Ask anyone close to me and they will tell you something. I have a tendency to dwell on what I have done wrong. I'm also a glass half empty person nearly seventy-five percent of the time....so I will always think someone resents me, the bad day will repeat itself, etc. etc.

And that is where reminder number 2 came in. I had been singing a particular song from Vacation Bible School all day. One that my little kiddos would sing as they went from station to station. I had no idea why I was singing it....until I listened to the lyrics. The chorus about just enough strength to live for today. I'll never have to worry what tomorrow will bring. My faith is on the solid rock; I'm counting on God.....it hit me. I DO NOT have to worry about if I will screw up tomorrow, because my God has redeemed my tomorrows. He only wants me to make it through the day I am living in. That is all.

I don't need to be perfect (even though I can think I have to.) I am allowed to have days where I feel as if nothing has gone right. I can screw up without meaning to, sometimes to a point seemingly beyond repair.....but God still loves me. Nothing is too problematic for Him.

So yeah, this day in question stunk. Majorly stunk like Limburger cheese or durian fruit. But that is today. I've lived it. I've gotten through it.......

And tomorrow will be better. I am counting on God to have it be so. He won't let me down.

May you count on God today!

Poor Me Syndrome

I can count on it happening every four or five weeks. It comes around the time that a McDonald's burger actually sounds good--which it rarely does--and I want to eat fried food and ice cream. It's also the time where I cry at every. blessed. thing imaginable. Rationality gets thrown out the window and instead Poor Me Syndrome replaces it.

I sadly give into PMS far, far too often. I can feel it creeping into my life, into my thoughts. Self doubt rages. I definitely become the "glass half empty" person. Thankfully I can still think positively about other people, but I cannot remotely do that about myself. I struggle with jealousy, believing the enemy's lies, and "woe is me" should just be my catch phrase.

In this year of every one getting married and me still being single--in this year of people having their college graduations and I'm still studying away--it's definitely easy to be like Eeyore. My Poor Me Syndrome tells me that I'll never get these things. I'll always be the one losing my tail but never getting it back.

However, I am trying to do my best this summer with one thing: not giving in to PMS and so far, I do feel like I'm doing better. (Instead of it lasting a week, it lasts a day, isn't that a huge blessing?! I would say for all around me it is.) I'm never going to completely beat it and there certainly isn't any medicine to help. But life is all about choices and I can either give in or rise above.

Years ago, I went through a legalism journey. I have talked about it before and I have shared how I learned immeasurably about grace. I realize and recognize that I am still learning about grace. Grace that holds me up when I doubt and struggle. Grace that holds up me to face a new day. Grace that reminds me that I have been called to this "different" life for a special reason, a reason no one else could accomplish. Grace that leaves me refined for the day and awaiting refinement for the next.

These next six months are going to be interesting ones for me. They will be amazing and beautiful and joyful, yet bittersweet and tough at the same time. There will be plenty of opportunities to fall on my knees before my Father, asking me for grace and strength. That my true feelings--those of genuine happiness and rejoicing--would supersede those of Poor Me Syndrome. PMS isn't good for anyone--it isn't for myself nor is it for those whom I am around.

I am a work in process, as one of my dear friends likes to say about herself (and I am now copying.) I don't have it all together and I definitely will give you a heads up about that =) I still will have those weeks where I want to sit and cry my issues into a pint of ice cream. But I refuse to give victory. I do not want a jaded outlook to be what I am known for; after all, you gain a reputation from the smallest of occurrences, even your response from a day of Poor Me Syndrome.

I truly am excited with my life. And this year holds amazing things for me. I know that. I need to ALWAYS know that, cling to it, remember to it. I hope you all can do the same as well.

In the Same Boat

I couldn't do it anymore
Everything kept cascading down at once. Between the hormones, the Facebook updates, and the phone calls, I just broke. I had been riding such an emotional high, feeling as if I was finally improving. Finally believing that I had put some demons behind me. All it took was one afternoon for them to become oh so real once more.

I plugged in my headphones, blaring the tunes with words I needed to hear. Yes, they were a balm to my soul, and yet, I continued to sit on the edge of my bed as tears streamed down my face. What was wrong with me? Why was I affected by things this way? I felt so alone--like no one understood.

Deep down, I knew that God did. After all, Hebrews 4:15 says that "This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin." I took comfort in that and that "God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) Still, I felt so vulnerable. No earthly person could understand me and my pain.

Until I was reminded that nothing was further from the truth
I grabbed my phone and ranted to someone who I thought would understand, especially based on a conversation we had had a few days earlier. What followed was the knowledge was that I wasn't alone. That other people had the same struggles that I did. They also wanted to yell as one happy Facebook relationship status change popped up. They also felt "old" at the age of 23. They desired the same things and felt it was hopeless as well.

A few hours later, I had almost the exact same conversation with another person....who felt the exact same way. Who empathized with my emotions and were struggling with their own. As horrible as it is to say, I felt happy that others were feeling pain....my pain. I wasn't alone.

It was in the moment I discovered something about myself
I needed to take off my blinders and realize that other people had issues just as I did. They also hid behind facades every so often. After all, who wants to be the girl who tells their dearest friend they are struggling? That they really are happy and yet in that moment, you caught them in a moment of weakness and jealousy? No one wants to me that girl! So we hide, we smile through tears, and believe that we're the only one in the world with problems.

Nothing is further from the truth. We live in a world filled with problems and people in possession of those problems. But we want to give the aura of being perfect--of having it all together--so we act as if everything is alright. We do not confide to some that, frankly, on certain days, life is the pits.

Sharing struggles helps
Once I was honest with some dear friends this week, I felt better. Not instantly better. I didn't all of a sudden cease to struggle. In fact, it's been a weekend where I have had to control the demons time and again. But it felt nice to not have the facade the entire time. It felt nice to be one hundred percent honest as opposed to ninety percent honest. And by God's grace, with every passing hour, I get better. Life is a process and I am thankful for friends who help aid in that process.

So I challenge you
Who do you confide in? Do you let some see the real you? This week, I'm glad that I did not completely hide my tears, that I rediscovered the other people in the boat as well.

How about you?

What's the Point?

Opening the credit card bill is never fun. It's easy to wipe out the plastic, but dealing with paper is like pulling teeth. However, when you open the bill and discover a charge that YOU did not put on there....in fact, when it is from Jetstar Asia Airlines (in Singapore), there is a major problem going on. It causes one to call the credit card company so you can dispute charges, get a new card and make your credit card less for several days.

Having a deadline is complicated. You know that you have to send a restaurant review to your editor by a specific date.....only thing is, restaurants aren't getting back to your editor to begin with. Now, if everything is going according to the latest update, I will be getting to the restaurant next week....in a week where I need to take a College Composition test (which was supposed to happen this week until the credit card fies), an eye exam, you name it. Put it this way: life isn't following my agenda.

Fast forward to today--the day I was able to finish this post. My credit card has gotten straightened out. I'm waiting on my College Composition grade to come in. I know am beginning the phase of adjusting to contacts. The restaurant review finally fell into place. Life doesn't seem as hectic as it did. However, the title of this post remains the same: "what was the point?"

With each day that goes by, I am reminded that I do not have the answers. I never have and I never will. The reason behind how God orchestrates our days and weeks always leaves me in bewilderment....I wouldn't ordinarily say that I am a planner, but I don't like a constant guessing game.

It comes down to this. I don't need to know the point. I serve an amazing God who knows the point, the purpose. A hacked credit card seems like an inconvenience to me, but to Him, there is a higher meaning. Is it to teach me patience? Dependence? Those are valuable lessons I always need to be reminded of, especially in the midst of weeks where I focus on what *I* see, rather than what *HE* sees.

So, if you are, this week, also searching for a point to your everyday life, know that you are not alone. And be reminded, as I have been, that God has everything under control. That is the best place for our lives to be.

Full of Questions

11-1

6-6

9-3



These numbers are ones circling around in Boise State fans' minds these days. It isn't a good thing, just so you know. You would have to live here to understand the magnitude of these numbers. Boise State's football season is over (I can hardly believe that it started twelve weeks ago.) We finished 11-1 and yet, we do not get to go to one of the big name, big money bowl games......instead, a 9-3 team is.....and we are playing a 6-6 team.



Any of you understand football? Or are you coming up with all sorts of questions?



Let me just say that I have a whole bunch of questions myself. Where is the justification? Who thought up that....pardon my language here....crap? It doesn't make sense.



It causes me to remember that much in life doesn't make sense. Why are young kids given cancer? Why do hardworking people struggle to provide food for their families and yet reality tv stars rake in the big bucks? Why have I had to make a choice between paying my way through school or having a driver's license? Why, why, why!!!!



But I am also reminded that I won't always know the answer to the whys. That isn't the way that God works. It is in those whys that He reveals himself; it is where he teaches and challenges.....yes, I can have my doubts and say them aloud to the Lord....but I might not exactly get anywhere.



There is a point to them. Who knows what it might be, yet that is the truth of the matter. There is a reason the Broncos are going to the Las Vegas Bowl instead of the Fiesta or Sugar Bowl. There is a reason we all go through the hills and valleys.



It's in God's hands to bring order and reconciliation to the messes of life. And yes, that really is the best place for them to be.

Climbing Against Competition

Competition always brings a healthy dose of excitement into life. Countries cheer on their athletes every Olympic Games; on shows like "The Amazing Race" or "American Idol" or "Project Runway," everyone has their favorite choice. Feeling the need to succeed has a tendency to drive us to do the very best we can...only for me, I can take competition to a ridiculous level.

Ever since I was little, I have made myself be in competition with others. I had to study, study, study--just so I would be at the the top of my class. I hated when someone younger than myself was close to reaching me in piano ability--I HAD to make sure I was better and always remained further along. You name it, I can turn any normal task into a competitive thing if I am not careful.

I have had flare ups with this attitude this past week. Silently, I have been wrestling with why I do seem to be "second best" and others are at where I want to be (yet I am unable to do so for a vast variety of reasons.) I have struggled when it seems like others are beginning to look like me a little too much. After all, I became who I was because of the Lord...and I feel others should have the same journey, instead of looking to me. It has made me question just how indispensable I really am.

But the Lord reminded me of something. (Can't you tell that He has a way of doing that? ;-)) Just as I do not want to demand perfection of myself anymore, I do not want to become so competitive as to drive people away, or make myself sick with holding to an unattainable standard...that isn't what the Lord has called me to do. I am very special in His sight. If for some reason I feel "inferior," it is in my perception and that alone.

Why do I share all this with you? I want you all to know just how human I feel sometimes, how thankful I am for God's grace to do better....also, I hope maybe my simple words encourage and challenge you. Are you being too competitive in your daily life? ;-)

Through it All

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are"~~Unknown

Just when I think I have healed from past scars, something always arises that reminds me of just how human I am, of just how much growth I still have yet to do. It is a painful thing to admit; in fact, I wish I could lie and say that I am perfect....that while I have many sin issues, I have finally gotten past this one.

I think I should add pride to the list. For who am I to think I am perfect? There is only One who is perfect....and He loves to show that I am not.

This past week, I have had a torrent of emotions sweep over me. My teenage years are fraught with memories of being dumped by girls who wanted to hang with the "cooler crowd," or of friends who wanted "famous people" for their peers. Journal entry after journal entry have tear stains as I poured out my heart to the Lord, asking what was wrong with me....

The answer came. There was nothing wrong with me. I was being who He wanted me to be. He only had those individuals in my life for the purpose of shaping me into the person who writes this entry today. The tears, the pain, the scars....they all had a purpose. And I thought that was enough for me to be at peace.

In a two day span, memories that had been dormant came flooding back as I felt that incidents were being repeated. I believed that, once again, there was something wrong with me. I wasn't cool enough or famous enough or even legalistic enough; I felt like I was headed back in the direction I had walked five years earlier.

It isn't easy to all of a sudden not care about what man think of you. Especially for this girl whose primary love language is that of "quality time" and "encouraging words." Sadly, I dub myself as high maintenance; I need those reminders that people do still love me. That they aren't going to dump me, despite my past history seeming otherwise.

But in the same two day span, I have been reminded by my Father and by others that the above quote holds true. They don't hold my past against me--they are standing beside me as I begin some new paths in the coming days--and they love me today, for infinity and beyond, faults and all. That is a measure of a true friend.

True friends are ones who instead of dumping me when I have my "off days," they pray me through them. They keep reminding me of the truth--the Voice of Truth I know in my head. The same Voice of Truth that says "this is for God's glory." Just as winning the battle of a particular sin issue glorifies Him, so does falling flat on my face and saying "I have taken a few steps backward; I need Your help."

With Christ's help, I am going to make it through this mess. And yes, some of those friends are going to help me too.

Wait For Me

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Perhaps it is because several of those closest to me are experiencing it in some form or other--one has been asked to be in a relationship, a cousin is getting married, a girl I know just got married, a dear friend has celebrated her one year anniversary and has a baby now...it is everywhere I seem to turn these days.

Some women are called to singleness; a girl I am beginning to e-mail back and forth definitely is in the category....but am I? In all honesty, I believe no. Over two years ago, I believe God told me that "he had somebody better for me." It's a long story (and one you don't need to know) of how I came to feel the Lord impress those words upon my heart--let's just say I know they are of Him because it couldn't have been from anything of my making.

Despite that knowledge, I have my despairing moments--the days in which I doubt that my loving Father has a guy for me. The days in which I cannot rise above my circumstances and see my dreams come true. For the briefest minute this past week, I had these such thoughts take over my mind. I repented of them, sure; I played the song "While I'm Waiting, by John Waller" over and over again as I shed a few tears....I was honest about what I was feeling with my Heavenly Father (and my dear mom =)

I can't say I know when my Mr. Right, Prince Charming, Republican voting, homeschool supporting, sports watching Christian guy is going to come into my life (and that's just a few things....it's too much to hope for a Matt Damon/Josh Duhamel/Rock Hudson lookalike with a William Holden smile and who will age like Geroge Clooney/Cary Grant =D) But I do know that God is preparing him for me....and me for him. In the meantime, I pray: pray for the ability to put my thoughts aside as I watch friends go before me, pray for them as they embark on a new stage in life, and pray for my future husband....wherever he may be.

Wait For Me--by Rebecca St. James


Darling did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
Darling did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

Cause,I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait
Darling wait

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
Till death do us part
I'll mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you

Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait
Darling wait

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness and a second chance
So wait for me
Darling wait for me
Wait for me
wait for me

Keep Moving Forward

In the Disney flick "Meet the Robinsons," Lewis spends much of his time living in the past. His whole goal is to invent a time machine/ memory scanner so he can find out why his mother abandoned him...and change that circumstance. Because he was so wrapped up in such pursuits, Lewis passes up the chance to get adopted by loving new families; he only has one friend. It takes a trip into the future for him to see "what will be"....only if he doesn't seek after the past anymore. He has to keep moving forward to achieve his fullest potential.

Now, back to the real world, so to speak ;-)

A few days ago, I found myself really pondering the past. You see, we do a lot of walking around here; my city is that type of city. Downtown along the river is some of the prettiest scenery we have here..and believe it or not, the college campus fits into that category. My steps found me walking along such a path earlier this week; I found my eyes, mind, and thoughts with the college students as they headed to their classes. And I wondered the inevitable "what if."

It has been a crazy two years. Years in which I took, as I like to call, "a journey through legalism, a journey towards grace." Years in which I believed college for girls was a great evil; times that I believed you could only wear skirts, listen to Christian music, and watch next to nothing of movies/TV...suffice it to say, I am not the same person anymore. (It is a story for another time ;-) I have set my God-given desires on culinary school, marriage and a family...these are the dreams that will not die; I seek His will and pray about them every single day.

Because of past mistakes, however, I can feel these aspirations will never be quite attained. I hacked into my college fund, making it near impossible (without going into massive debt) to attend culinary school reasonably. Because of church changes, personality changes, moves....I don't have a significant other in my life and I wonder some days if there ever will be. A family of my own can't happen until marriage does!

So, on this particular afternoon, the what ifs paraded through my mind. What if I had gone to college right away? Would I have some culinary certification under my belt? What if I had decided to do typical dating instead of a "courtship" or sorts? Would I have found my Prince Charming by now? What if we hadn't moved or changed churches numerous times? Would I have been in a position to be having a family?

Maria Von Trapp once said: "It will be very interesting one day to follow the pattern of our life as it is spread out like a beautiful tapestry. As long as we are here, we only see the reverse side of the weaving and very often the pattern, with its threads running wildly, doesn't seem to make sense. Someday, however, we will understand." I am honest enough to admit that I do not understand Christ's plan for my life; I know there is one. Jeremiah 29:11 reaffirms that to me....but that doesn't mean that I don't doubt....because I do.

As I finished my walk, I sighed a pensive sigh, took a deep breath, and didn't look back. I have to remember that focusing on the past is no way to live my life. I have to keep moving forward. Life is only going to get better, but the past plays a part. Pieces fall into place that might not otherwise do so. Remember in Meet the Robinsons? If Lewis had stopped his mother from abandoning him, he would have missed out on the incredible life and family he gets at the end of the movie?

So what will I end up getting? Only my Father knows. All I can do is trust, pray, and move forward through the doubt.....that's all He wants from me. He has the rest of my life under control; when I get to Heaven, everything that I have gone through will make sense. The same goes for you. I hope that encourages you as you face today!

Real Courage

"I want you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."--Atticus Finch

I don't consider myself a particularly courageous person--in fact, I would consider myself the exact opposite. I'm the perpetual worrywart (and I have been that way practically my whole life.); I get freaked out at the thought of airplanes, cancer, etc. etc. But upon reading "To Kill a Mockingbird," I really let the words of Atticus sink in...

There is more to courage than standing before a noticeable foe; it takes an even stronger form of courage to stand in the face of the unforeseen. For Atticus, it took courage to keep defending Tom Robinson (his colored client accused of raping a white girl) in the midst of angry lynch mobs and the town's spiteful hate. He knew that is was pretty much a hopeless cause; Tom Robinson would be convicted and condemned...but he followed through anyway.

I thought about how that might apply to me. And then it hit me. It takes a lot of courage to go against the status quo, whether it be in mainstream circles or, yes, even conservative ones. Over the past year, I have seen God change me, and continue to do so, into the woman He has for me to be...but it sure isn't easy sometimes. People don't understand why I am against dating in its most practiced form--or why I am okay with girls going to college if that is the way God leads them. It's foolhardy to try and explain myself....but I continue ahead.

Instead of going on and on about myself, I want you to think about yourselves: how have you defined "courage?" I'm not going to leave you with a profound statement--I don't have one. Rather, I just want to encourage you with this: you do possess courage in some manner! Go with that today.

Friends

"Friends are an indispensible part of a meaningful life.

They are the ones who share our burdens and multiply our blessings

A true friends sticks by us in our joys and sorrows.

In good times and bad, we need friends who will pray for us, listen to us, and lend a comforting hand."

--Beverly LaHaye

My time in Pittsburgh was truly this quote in action. I got to meet new friends who I hope will grow into better ones. I got to know a few people from last year better.....and I grew even closer to the friends I went to see in the first place. The latter are now considered my second family =D

Daily life doesn't hold friends for me. Because of things in the past, people have written me off...and consequently, I have no one where I live to do things with, all of the normal things a twenty year old does. I do have my family, and if it wasn't for the amazing relationship I have with them, I don't know where I would be. But there is something for having friends.

I hope you have friends that live this quote. I know I do--and I thank God for them!

Coveting Prayer

Well, my dear readers, this is it. In about sixteen hours, I shall be boarding a plane to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It seems like just yesterday that I booked the flight; in all actuality, it was five months ago. The time has flown by.

However, I will confess to being worried and anxious. I am not a flying person. Oh gosh, I hate being high up in the air, being taken from point A to point B by a pilot I don't know about.....it positively freaks me out. I am so afraid of getting in a plane crash.

On top of that, the weather seems to be nasty all the way from Home to Pittsburgh--which means bumpy and turbulent....and again, I am freaking out about an issue.

I ask for prayer y'all. Pray that I would feel the Lord's peace as I make that first step into the security line and all the way to my friend's house. Pray that the weather would somehow miraculously change to blue and sunny =) And that there would be no issues with my airplane....

I promise that I will not be out of commission these next three weeks. There shall be several updates on here! God bless!

Grace So Amazing I Can Hardly Understand

The bonds of legalism are strong and binding. They hold you down and smother in ways that nothing else does. Frankly, you become so accustomed to living in such a manner than you recognize a difference until you break free. All of a sudden, you feel alive and unrestricted; you don't feel tied down to behavior that resembles the Pharisee's. Trust me, I know both sides of the equation: I lived it for several years.

Though it has been over two years since I left the primary source of my family's legalism, there are days in which I am blown away by the person I was then.....and who I am now. Some of the changes I have been afraid to mention of this blog, fearing what your opinion might be. You see, Christians often feel like they have to live in a box--and then convince others to live in the same one as they do. When you don't, they have a problem with you. Bad way to be, but it's the truth.

Well, today during Communion, I was reminded of something. Legalism stems from doing. You are constantly acting, or dressing, or thinking a certain way somehow makes you holier, or more righteous, or more Christian. However, I have been made to see by the Lord that when one breaks out of legalism, you are more aware than ever before of God's grace.

See, when you aren't living according to so many rules and regulations, you discover that salvation isn't about what you do--it's about who He is. I can be a country music listening, American Idol watching, sometimes pants wearing, perfection driven hypochondriac (all of which I am, by the way =) and He loves me infinitely anyway. His approval of me hasn't changed because I have implemented some of these things into my life.

My gracious and loving Father, instead of hitting me upside the head and demanding that I change back into a legalistic individual, has said instead "I love you, my daughter, with an endless love. An endless love that extends until the end of time. You have chosen to live according to my set in stone rules while having a life all you own. You have come to the realization that you don't need to "do" to receive my love and grace---I give it unconditionally; it's always yours for the taking."

It's hard for me to understand sometimes, how my Father loves me so much.....but today, I am falling on my knees thanking Him for it!

Song Saturday

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that fore every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh
Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

--"Questions" By: Steven Curtis Chapman

For my Song Saturday this week, I wanted to share with you lyrics to one of my favorite songs off of Steven Curtis Chapman's latest CD (the one I reviewed last week) When I first listened to this song, my mind couldn't believe what I heard. Here was a guy who vocalized every single question I have sometimes.

Sadly, I think Christians are made to feel like they can never have any good days (part of that stems from the Christian community being positively lousy on the subject of compassion....trust me, I know from experience) But this song, how do I say it......it shows that there are people who are willing to let the whole world know that they have struggles; somedays they really doubt; yet deep down, they know that God is faithful.....even though reality makes it appear otherwise.

This past week, I have been playing this song a couple times. For it has been a week in which my family has had some disappointments (and I've had some personal struggles) and I've grappled with thoughts of "what are you doing, God?!"

But like this song states...I know He's crying with me when I cry. I know that He never turns His face away....even though I have "questions."

Song Saturday

I am beginning two new features on this blog--hoping that maybe it will spark some renewed interest in this blog (for readers as well as myself) First off, I will be doing "Media Mondays"--during which I will post a recommendation/review of a movie I will have watched the previous week. It might be new; it might be an old classic. You'll never know unless you read.

And then, I will do "Song Saturday." On those days, I will post either my current favorite song for the week, or a CD recommendation....something like that. So, even though it's Friday, I will start that feature this week.

I have been meaning to bring this CD to y'alls attention for quite some time. Steven Curtis Chapman is one of my favorite artists in the Christian genre and with each new recording, I find myself like it more. Some people seem to go backwards; he only goes forward.

"Beauty Will Rise" was born out of his tragic loss--losing his daughter Maria in a horrific family accident. Clearly evident with every song is his struggle, his trust, his belief, and the cycle repeats itself. Steven calls this CD his own "Psalms" and I couldn't agree with him more.

While I haven't lost a family member, I have had some struggles of my own within the past year. This CD seems to sum up so many of my feelings. I remember one day, Steven's song "Questions" totally could have been something I wrote. And yet, "I Will Trust You" never faded from my mind.

If you haven't even heard any song off of this CD, I'd advise your doing so. It ministers to my soul.

Can't Have The Craving

I live in the minority. My views on dress, politics, life, Biblical matters, etc. are so different from most people. It isn't something that bothers me; it is just a fact of life that I live with. Well, a way that I am in the minority is the matter of women and chocolate.

I get why women like it. Trust me, I love dark chocolate! Reese's peanut butter cups are my favorite candy and chocolate is a great thing in recipes. But I am not one of these "I must have chocolate or I'll die" types. And I don't fit the "it can only be chocolate and nothing else" mold. So, usually, chocolate is something that I don't crave all the much.

But today, I found myself making a German chocolate cake for dessert tonight--and golly, did I want to lick the bowl! I pulled the cake out of the oven and my mouth started watering for a piece. Here's the catch, though...I can't have any.

You might wonder why. Well, before God, and along with my "sisters of the heart", I have given up desserts from the 22nd of this month until Easter. I'm not Catholic, but I wanted to observe Lenten season. So, while I have said that I will only have desserts once a week, I already had mine for the week. Which means that I will have to sit and watch my family enjoy the cake and I do the dishes. Nice tradeoff, huh?

I don't know why it is that we crave what we cannot have. I mean, I am craving marriage--only God has said "wait." I crave going to culinary school--but God hasn't opened the doors yet. Add desserts to the mix.....I can tell you this. I will spend a great deal of time praying these next several weeks. That the Lord would use these cravings to draw me closer to Him.

You can pray too, please!

Some People Say It Better

I am having one of these "not sure what to write about" moments. I can have ideas swirling in my head--but they either won't come out.....or they would be of no interest to you.



However, my dear friend and "sister", Anna, posted at Maidens of Worth--a post that sums up a lot of what I have been thinking about lately. I have been talking about the subject with friends and of course, my wonderful mom. It is a topic that older teens and twenties think about a lot: marriage and waiting.

Anna put into words what I have been saying for quite some time. So, I thought I would direct your attention to it....and then, you could share your thoughts with me.

Read her article "Still Waiting"

I count it a huge blessing from the Lord to have a friend who thinks the same as I do. Perhaps y'all do too....and I don't know it.

Trusting Him More

Heavenly Father,

my prayer is that I would learn to trust You more.

It's such a comfort to know that my life is in Your hands,

and the circumstances surrounding me are in Your

control. Remind me daily that choosing to be happy is

an option. May I find strength in Your joy.

Amen.

--Kim Boyce--

When I try to look ahead into my future, I find myself overwhelmed by the uncertainty of it all. Do I go for an English Major? Or pursue Culinary School? Or do I not do anything? Does the Lord have marriage in my future? If so, who is it and when is it? Or am I to remain single? If so, what am I to do? Will my family get to adopt? Or is just going to be my brother and myself? Does the Lord intend for my family to move anymore?.......even know, the answers, or rather, lack thereof, boggle my mind.

I need to remember that I don't have to know the answers. God will open the doors that He wants opened in His own good time. For it certainly is that--it is good and right and the only way. What he wants of me, in the meantime, is to put my strength in Him, to kneel at the cross and say, "Father, You be the mover and shaker. You hold my tomorrows in the palm of Your hand. You know the plans You have for me, plans that are good and not harmful, plans that will give me a hope and a future. Help me to trust in that with every breath within me."

I hope you will find your source of strength in Him this week.

Thanking God

I wanted to thank you all for the prayers and well wishes regarding Ginger. It was a very rough weekend for my family, one that we did not expect at all. And honestly, we had a different outcome than the one I had anticipated. I really believed we would have a dead puppy; whereas now she is alive and well, albeit taking it easy.

This past year has been one of great difficulty and tribulation. I don't feel like it is the place to give all of the reasons I feel this way, but suffice it to say, 2009 has been a year of growth and testing. It has been a year of learning how (and not always succeeding) to find rainbows in the midst of thunderstorms.

In the past month, I think God has been wanting me to learn that life is in His hands. I was so afraid to fly to Pittsburgh a month ago (can it really be that long already?!) I didn't trust as readily as I should have in the knowledge that God can protect me just as well at 35,000 feet as he can on the ground. With Ginger, I didn't trust that He can be a Great Physician to a dog as well as to people, that just because I can't help her doesn't mean He can't.

How thankful I am that my Father continues to shower me with grace as I learn more about Himself.

Would You Pray For Ginger?

Update at 9:33 P.M.--I am so sorry to not have done one before now. Ginger is home and sleeping on the couch. She has not had diarrhea most of the day and has not thrown up at all in the past twenty-four hours. WE'll see how things go tomorrow. Keep praying!

Update at 10:41 A.M.--Ginger remains more energetic and is keeping food down. However, she continues to have her diarrhea and consequently, we are not sure if she will be coming home today or tomorrow. We would love to today....for numerous reasons.

Update at 5:11 P.M.--Mom and I just got back from seeing her. While she is still suffering from....not so pleasant issues....she appeared to be doing better. She was more energetic (in that she was wagging her tail and sniffing around) I think we'll go see her later on in the evening and I will tell you all more then. Keep praying

Update at 2:13 P.M.--The days are long themselves. Ginger has done from one vet to another and while blood tests are coming back negative (which is a good thing) and she has kept food down for over twelve hours now, she is still not home with us. Ginger remains lethargic to most degrees and she is on fluids. I am really struggling, girls. Please be praying that I would trust the Lord.

Update at 8:08 A.M.--It has been a pretty long night. We did decide to take Ginger to an animal hospital last night, which was the first time in owning a dog eleven years we have done that. I hope I never have to do it again. She stayed overnight, but Mom has been in communication with the vet. She could be keeping a little food down, but she continues to have some throwing up and....other stuff. I'll let you know when Mom and Dad come back from picking her up....and taking her to our usual vet.

Friends serve a wonderful purpose in your life. They share with you in the good times and in the bad. They give you hugs and shoulder to cry on. And when you have the Lord in common, you can go with the other to the Throne of Christ and lay needs at His feet.

I would ask you all to be praying for our little puppy, Ginger. She isn't feeling well at all. We took her to the vet today after two days of throwing up quite a bit. We've had series of some tests...but no answers....and yet the throwing up will not cease.

I am a worry wart by nature, so of course I am a little nervous. It's probably nothing, but you would have to know what Ginger is usually like to be fully aware that something isn't right.

Please be praying for her!! And for our family that we would have peace and know what to do.