The Same Issues

It's a black hole kind of feeling, one that knocks you off of your feet and leaves you breathless. You thought you were over this problem; you thought you had gained victory...and it only took a matter of seconds for you to realize that you're not. Memories rise to the surface; you try to drive them back into the darkest recesses that you would rather not visit again. You feel walls closing in around you; every negative thought supercedes every positive one. You attempt to climb out of the black hole but rather, you keep sinking deeper and deeper into it. And your finite and sinful humanness is made all the more real.

Or so it is for me anyway ;-) But let me backtrack a second....

This blog post has been stewing around in my brain for the past several weeks. I have known that it was one that the Lord wanted me to write. Who knows why....I mean, willingly diving back into your black hole to share one's story isn't exactly therapeutic! ;-) And talking about my inner demons isn't the happiest of tales. But they are as much a part of me as the good bits, the sports loving bits, the love of baking bits of my soul. These negative attributes are a part of my story and they always serve to teach me something, if nothing more than to knock me on my rear and show me just how far I have to improve.

My biggest inner demon is that of jealousy/trusting issues. I have struggled with it as far back as I can remember...ever since I was a little girl. My teenage years are mostly riddled with snippets of being dumped because I was no longer cool, and every time I opened myself up to trusting again, the cycle would repeat itself. Honestly, I came to a point where I wanted zero people in my life; after all, when you aren't around people, no one can hurt you. You stay in a safe bubble away from the black holes that threaten to suffocate you. It's a much more comfortable place to be.

I have opened myself up since those painful days, but it doesn't take much for scars to feel just as fresh as the day they were created. All it takes is a casual word spoken--or sometimes not spoken--for the past to come rushing back. I immediately see visions of being dumped all over again. Even if I know deep down what is truth. Taunts can be so much more louder than the Voice of Truth. This past week, my spiritual battle combating this has seemed to be a constant thing....and I know that I haven't won every battle. In fact, a few times I have given in and let the black hole swallow me. It's been kind of bad.

It's not something I'm proud of. Frankly, I would love nothing more than to only share happy stories on this blog. But maybe, out in this big wide expanse called "the internet", my honesty might resonate with someone. Because maybe you are fighting--and sometimes losing--the spiritual battles over certain sin issues that you have been called to wage. Maybe you think you finally have the problem under control only to see, quite obviously, that you don't.....More than anything, I want people to know that they are not alone on this road. This messy, cloudy, storming, "you know there is light at the end of the tunnel but you just don't always see it" type of road.

There is nothing I would love more than to be a "whole" person. What would that be like, being a person who didn't struggle with self-doubt and trust? Why was I called to walk down this path? A part of the answer I found (and I know I won't find the whole answer until Heaven) ties in with this Christmas season we are in: God knew it was the biggest way to show me just how much I need Him, that Babe in the manger. I am reminded of how much of a role sin plays in my life--and how much I need a Savior. I need a Baby who offers grace for each time I fall, who offers strength to pull me out of my black hole....and who holds my hand and wipes away my tears even when I don't have the strength to combat the lies anymore.

I could say that one day I will get a handle on these issues of mine, but who knows if there is a complete guarantee of that. I never will become a super human with zero problems; I'll never be that picture perfect Christian who appears to never doubt or struggle. I'm just me. I'm classy with a dash of quirk, as this blog is aptly named--and that quirk encompasses the scars I have. They play a part into who I am. But so does the redemption part of my tale, the gift of Christmas part. There is a promise of one day, tears will be wiped away; no one will ever give me cause to feel pain. It's a beautiful promise.

And so that is why, with God's amazing help and grace, I aim towards climbing out of the black hole of doubt one more time.