You hang up the phone and sigh. The lyrics to a Queen hit go through your mind as you think "Another One Bites the Dust." You mentally count on your fingers just how many friends that makes now...You're genuinely happy for them. You really are and you feel horrible when you have those moments of struggle, regardless of the fact that they are fleeting seconds. You look over your shoulder, wondering if anyone sees that momentary battle. After all, you really are content--that is what you tell yourself and truly deeply feel within your heart and soul--but there is that part of you that feels on the outside looking in. Society says something is wrong with you and since your friends are on the "correct" path, surely you are the problem. You don't feel as if you're doing anything wrong. But niggling bits of doubt remain....it is enough to knock you down...but not out.
The Chinese calendar says 2013 says it is the Year of the Snake. I beg to differ. It is the Year of the Wedding. Seriously, half of the people I know will be getting married by the time December 31st rolls around. I have had so many phone calls, so many Facebook relationship status updates, about relationships I am convinced something is in the water =P It's been a beautiful thing watching all of this happen, especially with certain people. It's what we have prayed for...
And then, there is little old me. I am out there as a newly twenty-three year old college student. I'm the girl who is a daughter, sister, friend. A librarian by day and a college student, aspiring food critic/wedding planner by night. The girl who sings to Carrie Underwood and will randomly break into dance moves when Michael Buble comes on her iPod. The woman who seems to have a lot of interaction with kids and loves every (well, mostly) moment with them. I love my life; it is blessed and rich and full. Yet when you compare it to others, frankly, it seems boring.
The outside looking in is not a fun feeling
Picture this--you're walking along the sidewalk and you hear the sound of laughter. You turn your head and the scene is one that which Norman Rockwell could have painted. A group of people is gathered together--you even know the guests--and everyone is eating cake and partying. And yet, you weren't invited; you didn't get an invitation to the party. All you can do is press your hand and face to the window. You are destined to be a spectator and while you don't always mind.....the pain of being left alone is getting harder and harder to accept with a good attitude.
I know I'm not alone in these emotions
Back in September, I wrote a post that summed up my feelings and it still does. But we're human. We're prone to the Enemy's attacks. We doubt ourselves so many times. By nature, I am a girl who struggles with doubt: Did I really hear what I felt God told me? Am I doing the right thing by doing college? Do I really think I will get married someday? Will a guy find me attractive? Will I always be the one to rejoice and encourage those who have happiness only to have the favor NEVER be returned? Because face it, once people get what they always wanted, they tend to forget about you and the old lives they used to lead. The ones they lived also.
I don't have answers to the questions. And be encouraged, dear readers, we don't have to possess them. And we do not have to resemble every one else. Just because people are getting married, or are on track to get their degrees, or are getting published....and we aren't....that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with it. We do not have to fit ourselves into this box that says _______________ (put in whatever label in the blank). Christ did not create us to blend in; He created us to stand out.
Sometimes standing out takes time....
And a lot of smiling.....and a lot of standing firm in who you are the woman God has called you to be. We all have dreams and if yours are anything like mine, they are wide encompassing =) Don't give up on them. Don't doubt them. Don't let society steal your joy. It's easy to do, losing your joy. Satan can find his way into making us bitter and cynical. Then victory is his when it shouldn't be his team winning the game.
I know. I know. This vulnerable post makes it sound as if I am just bemoaning that I am single, that I hate all my friends for being in relationships. It's not. I am not. I just felt as if this was a post I needed to write right now. Maybe there is an anonymous reader out there who needs to know they aren't alone. Maybe it is a means of being therapeutic, keeping myself honest before God, before y'all, and before myself. Again, I don't have the answers.
Life is messy. Life is complicated. Life is full of exhilarating highs and self doubting lows. But we ALWAYS serve an amazing God. One who does indeed delight in giving good gifts to ALL of His children. For some they occur in 2013...for others it will another year on the calendar. And it is alright.
"But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise, as some people think."--2 Peter 3:8-9a
4 comments:
Actually, this post breaks my heart. As one who, for years, has been longingly looking in the window at the party she wasn't invited to, but longs to attend, I can relate to your feelings.
And, interestingly, the ones who usually tell you to "get over it and accept things as they are," are the ones who have gotten what they had been wanting. They didn't have to live forever with the pain of broken dreams and unfulfilled longings.
Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Those who "get" what they want are seldom good at sharing (or even caring) about the pain of those who did not.
You are a beautiful, caring, incredibly stronog young woman, and I feel blessed to be your mom.
I love you!
What a wise thing to advise not letting society steal our joy - you have that right, girl! Sometimes, it is hard to look around and see people who just received some good news if that is what you want but in the end, it can be more of an encouragement than something to be "upset" over. Just because society thinks we should be one way or have reached a certain pinnacle by a set timeline doesn't make it right. I don't want to be dating just for the sake of having a boyfriend or being half of a relationship because society expects it. I want to find a guy who is "right" and be able to date him with the expectation that he is the one I'll marry.
Great post, Ella. Your honesty is wonderfully encouraging. I understand what you are saying and in some instances can relate. You aren't alone even if it may - some days - feel like it. The day will come when it will be your turn and likely it will be when you least expect it. :)
Until then, take heart that your struggle is not one you are alone in. <3
*hugs*
I haven't felt this way, relationship-wise, but in other ways... yes. It's hard to see another person succeed and wonder, "why didn't I? what's wrong with me?" And that's when God asks you, "Do you like who you are? Do you trust me to take you where you need to be? Are you going to let ME shape who you become?"
The answer is never easy, but it's always better if we say YES.
This is so well said! Yes, it can be hard. There's no question about that. Whatever you want, that God has said no to, or at least not now, it can be hard to accept. But you are so right. Look for the silver linings! They are there. There are plenty of them in fact. Whatever our struggle, God is doing amazing things in our seemingly insignificant moments. Someday we will absolutely see how NOT insignificant those moments actually were! :) Thanks Ella.
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