No, God guided you to them
Plan on spending the rest of your life alone
There is someone amazing waiting for you
That test grade you are waiting on.....it's going to be bad
You did your best and your grade will reflect that
Your friends are going to dump you
You have some amazing friends. Trust them for once in your life
That headache you have....it is brain cancer
There is such a thing as just having a headache. Why do you always think worst case scenario?
The past few weeks have been ones in which I felt like one of those cartoon characters. You know what I mean....a devil (complete with red horns and a tail) is hissing in one ear, rather LOUDLY actually. In my other ear are the whispers of an angel, complete with golden halo and wings. (Actually, I could picture a little version of Clarence Oddbody AS2. Who would not want an angel like that on their shoulder? ;-)
Life is always a version of tug of war. We try to not give into lies and taunts. We try to not let depression completely suffocate us. Yet we are human. We give in. We can feel the rope slipping out of our hands--the other side is winning--and we are powerless to do anything about it.
Trying to get back to where you know God wants you is an exhaustive process. Sweat and tears are always involved. Some days can feel as if you've been put through the ringer, as if you have had every breath in your body knocked out of you, and as if you have lost every ounce of water. Trust me. I've been there. In fact, it is a wonder that I don't have visible callouses.
But I have--we ALL have--hidden callouses. Ones that are reminders of pain and of battle and of loss. I can personally admit to adding new ones in the last few weeks alone.
Yet there is nothing to be ashamed of
I used to be a person who hated feeling pulled in different directions. I thought there was something wrong with my faith if I had moments of struggle and weakness. I overcompensated for them with legalism and Pharisee like comments. Yet God has been teaching me something lately--almost beating me over the head with it....callouses are battle scars.
My pastor often talks about "sticking by the stuff" as it relates to our Christian faith. Sometimes that means holding onto the rope even when everything screams in you to let it go. Even when a tug of war is waging within your soul. Even when you, once again, doubt truth and you just want to cave to the lies.
So do I keep hanging on to the rope?
No matter how I feel, I will always have a "Devil on my shoulder along with an Angel." Yes, my Father has a loud Voice, a Voice of Truth--but Satan has an even louder one. It takes all we can to make him disappear in a cloud of dust, leaving us free to gain a foothold.....(before, yes, we are fighting once again.) But you know what? I love those moments of struggle now. I do. It means that I have refining left to do; it means Christ is doing something in my life. And my callouses will teach me something as well as, Lord willing, minister to others as well.
I no longer apologize for the battles I fight
Do you?
6 comments:
Thanks for this, Ella. :) You always write such honest posts and some important, challenging "food for thought."
Hope things are going well with you - busyness and all.
*hugs*
Gosh, girl...once again exactly what I need. Struggling with the whispers of my legalistic past...trying to figure out what's "conviction" and what's just false guilt...you know? Trying to live what I *know* now is right but still haunted by the false beliefs ingrained in me all these years...and this was exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing your heart! <3
AWESOME post. Truly awesome.
You have such a grasp on the use of words, Ella, and how to write them in such a way so as to explain a lot of what many of us are experiencing or have experienced. Glad I finally got here irregardless of Facebook's warnings. :)
Keep writing your thoughts and giving them to the rest of us for our edification.
I can relate to this post so much. Thank you for (like always) being so honest and heart-felt. It's one of the many things I love about you. This is a GREAT post.
It's been my experience in my 20-year Christian walk that the vast majority of Christians wear a "sanctimonious, all is well and I never struggle" kind of mask. I have felt so inferior through the years, because I DO struggle and doubt. I've always felt "less spiritual" and like I love the Lord less than others do.
I've learned that struggling is part of being human and that I can be honest about it with God.
I know it is SO 90's, but there is a song 4Him did, called "Why," which really delves into this subject. It's on my MP3 player, but here's the link to it.
http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY
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