I Have Questions God

Sometimes no matter how much you prepare yourself for something, life has a way of knocking you off of your feet and sucking all of the breath out of you. I hate those feelings. Could be because of the wedding planner wannabe in me--but I like having things planned out. I do not like surprises. Let me rephrase that. I like good surprises, like friends coming in or presents or a recipe turning out fantastically. But bad things...I do not do those well. I am, by nature, a worry wart, so it doesn't matter how many times I prepare for something in my head. When I am faced with something difficult, I freak out.

I've been through a lot of hardships in my life. Hardships that I have chronicled on this blog and hardships that I am beginning to write a book about. (Notice how subtle that was? Yes, I am writing a book.) God has taken me through some circumstances that yes, have knocked me off of my feet and onto my knees. I can say, looking back, that all of it was worth it...but I never wanted to go back down those roads again.

And yet, God apparently has other ideas. For some strange reason, His plans involve a lot of trust on my part and a lot of pain and struggle in the meantime. It isn't just me--it is something my entire family has to go through. I'll go into more details as time progresses, never fear. You know me, I'm honest to an Elizabeth Bennett fault. That being said, I am currently in the processing stage.

One of my favorite Christian music artists is Steven Curtis Chapman. Several years ago, Steven lost one his daughters in a tragic accident when she was hit by a car--driven by her own brother. During the whole grieving process, Steven wrote an amazing album entitled "Beauty Will Rise." It was, like, his journey. You saw him broken and you saw him rising above the pain and sorrow. Picture the Psalms, as it were. "Questions" is one of my favorite songs and I wanted to share the lyrics with you:

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true 
that fore every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more 
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh
Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

As Christians, we think it is a sin to openly say "why" to God. And yet, we are human. Even though we know that we will never, ever, ever possess the answers to life's questions, we still struggle. We don't have it all together on the first try....or even the second.....or the third. All I can do is drop to my knees and realize that my Father holds me in the palm of His hand. That He will carry me through the shadow. That He will never let me go. And that I will be changed for the better.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even when we--I--think there is only darkness. Christ never takes any of us farther than we can handle (although I do question as to why he thinks I can handle so much. Ah well.) I am so thankful that I have promises to always hold onto. I have my Savior  who loves me in spite of my questions. 

....He'll grant me the answers someday.